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OVERCOMING ISSUES OF COPYRIGHTING WITH STUFFED TOYS
BASIL BRUSH's TOP TWENTY-SIX
WAYS TO DIE
The timeless classic, to be murdered
you are a child and you trusted the murderer)
Being crushed between the buttocks of a
Misguided belief in powers of flight being
put tragically into practice
Being eaten by one of your co-passengers
after a plane crash
there was really no need - eg crashed in a chocolate bar factory)
Poisoned frisbee (if you are a dog)
Being run over by a motorised snail after
staging a peaceful protest
Medical negligence during routine surgery
Farting and sneezing at the same time with
an unpressed navel
Trying unsuccessfully to negotiate a field
that is popular with bungee jumpers. You are hammered into the ground.
Please try again.
Drowning in one inch of water
difficult that it may seem - try it with a child... you keep breaking its
Knowing too much
Slowly, and young.
should die so slowly, that you are no longer young at the time of death.)
Hovering at tree height wearing a leaf
covered shirt in the middle of a herd of giraffes (you'd be surprised)
Falling inside a grand piano and being
hammered to death by Rachmaninov's third.
Being part of a suicide pact in which the
other person was only having a laugh
Clive Barker's favourite, having snakes
made from a lunatic's shit animated by an evil magician and invading your
every orifice. Let's hear it for Clive Barker, eh?
That magic flesh eating bacteria (nature
beats Clive Barker)
Being squicked, which I am reliably informed is
the act of fucking the hole in the skulls of babies. You would obviously have to
be a baby for this one.
Being a Rider on the Storm, and falling
off your horse.
Being given a shoulder ride close to a
"ticking-over" helicopter, with hilarious consequences!
Slow, Slow, Quick Quick Slow - the Foxtrot
of doom, with hammers.
supplied for fear of copycat Foxtrot killings)
Being given inadequate CPR by someone trying
to impress his girlfriend
Dying from a frankly pathetic quantity
of drugs. Double points if you create national tabloid hysteria
Receiving capital punishment for a crime
you didn't commit
Having an enormous letter "B" land on your
head in your sleep
And of course
We all relish the senselessness of a mistaken
identity IRA killing!
Sell your soul to Basil Brush.
Basil is campaigning
to enforce strict speed limits close to schools so that drive-by shootings
are less likely to miss.
The only choice for a safer Kingston-Upon-Thames