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Fruit Machines. They can be real sods. I'm the bloke in charge of finance in Germany, and even I don't always win. But there are ways - oh yes, you must believe me. There are special rules that guarantee you a win, every time. If these tricks do not work, give me a call and I shall come around and play the machine myself. Just leave details of what pub you're in on my answerphone and I shall come around in my own private car.

There are only five rules about fruit machines. When you know them they will make you many millions of pounds. 

A machine will poo coins into your hands when it is happy. It is happy when the lights flash in a compelling pattern. Sometimes it will communicate with you directly with a burst of warmth that feels like an egg being broken in your brain.

Some machines make amusing little farting sounds when you put your money in. Do not take this personally.

Fruit machines need respect - do not threaten them like a bitch with your gun. Try saying this;

"Come on, this is my last pound, I'll have to go home if you don't let me win. Come on, if you let me win I'll put it all straight back. I just want to play you."

Give your machine a name. Call it Susan.

Press your face against the warm glass of the machine. This will let the machine know that you are deeply in love with it. It will also let you check the tubes.

Do not worry - this is not as naughty as it sounds! Fruit machines do not have reproductive organs.


By holding reels, you are reducing the randomness of the machine. If you hold all the reels, therefore, the machine is not random at all. Now you're in control!

Use this power and I shall see you walking into my bank saying "I would like to deposit my many millions of pounds that I won please." And we will say "Bonzer sir! You are welcome. We have never seen so much money in our lives, and we are a bank!"

Other people are not your friends. They are there to drink your beer and slide their hands along the machine as you are playing it. They wish for you to lose, so that they can laugh with the barman about you.

Even your friends are not your friends. They wish you to stop seeing Susan and to talk with them. Do not do this unless you need 10p to make up a partial credit and the machine is really, really, guaranteed to pay on the very next press. 


$TOCK$ & $HAR£$

Likewise, only five rules separate you and hundreds of millions of pounds!

To get into stocks and shares, it is utterly vital that you own some. To buy stocks and shares you must visit a man who hides his identity inside a hooded coat, and who will only talk to you by handing you what he wants to say inside a sealed envelope.

This man is your key to mucho pound coins. He will not tell you his name, but will not mind if you make one up for him. Call him Susan.

Now you have bought some shares, you must sell them as quickly as possible, at an enormous profit.

Check your wallet - you should have thousands of pounds. Repeat this process until you have your first million, then buy a casino. Casinos do not cost much, and are a valuable source of income.

Bulls and bears are not literally bulls and bears. They are people dressed up as bulls and bears, who appear at certain times of the day to let businessmen know that it is dinner hour (bulls), or time to go home (bears). Some bulls have cleverly started selling sandwiches, and made umpteen billion pounds, but it is not wise to try and compete with these bulls with a wider range of tempting fillings or they will walk all over you and snort very grumpily.

I have just bought two hundred million pork bellies. Sounds silly, no? Well, I just sold them - just then - for five times as much as I paid for them. And I didn't even have any money to start with - I just said I had.

This is the concept of "fictional trading", and it can make you the most powerful man in the world. All you have to do is invent something that people think they've heard of but haven't, then sell it to them for all their money and their house.

Other people are bad news. They're all trying to do the same thing, and there are only so many pounds in the world. You could try and discredit  them by dressing up as their bank manager and saying "sorry very much but the bank has had to take all your money off you because you've got AIDS". Once people realise he has no money because of having AIDS he will be thrown out of the marketplace and forced to live in the ghetto.

Repeat until you are the only person left.