The Unmade Classics
Yessir! If they'd been put together fifty
years ago, they'd be the original odd couple! Beeker, unfortunate
lab assistant cursed with a vocal restraint that only allows him to say
"meep", and Yoda, wise old Jedi Knight, with a funny way of going about
sentences. Until today, they'd never been seen together (so this sitcom
will finally put to rest those rumours that they are the same person,
which to be frank were a lot of nonsense in any event)
Beeker and Yoda
Channel 5's New
ENTER BEEKER, CARRYING A TRAY OF WIGS. THE CROWD CHEERS.
THE CROWD SCREAMS ENTHUSIASTICALLY
Experimenting again with exploding wigs are you, young Beeker?
GENTLE LAUGHTER. LIGHT APPLAUSE.
Careful you be. Make sure always the safety is on.
BEEKER IS WEARING AN ENORMOUS BEEHIVE WIG. HYSTERICAL APPLAUSE.
Warn you I do, young Beeker. Tears before bedtime there will be.
THE WIG EXPLODES. BEEKER LOOKS SURPRISED.
Foreseen this I had.
If they'd been thought of fifty years ago,
and "Beeker & Yoda" hadn't been thought up, these two would be the
odd couple! A little more saucy than Beeker and Yoda, who had to cater
for children's audiences, Nun occasionally turns the air blue with her
DALEK & THE NUN
The Racy New Sizzler from C4
Look, honey, I've got Davros coming 'round for dinner, so everything's got to be just perfect.
Cook my aaarse.
Oh, really! You're drunk! Here, have some ecstasy. A couple of disco biscuits will make you better disposed to my dark master.
NUN GRABS THE PILLS AND HOPS ONTO A PODIUM. STARTS DANCING.
Now all I've got to do is finish this meal before she starts to come down!
FOUR HOURS LATER....
DAVROS AND DALEK SIT AT THE TABLE. NUN IS UPSTAIRS.
And when Mark gave the baby Chicken Pox, I didn't know where to put my face, really! I mean, it's no kind of Christmas present, is it?
Ooh, he never. He never did. Well, I never.
NUN COMES DOWNSTAIRS, VOMITING
Fuckin' snide biscuits. Y'dealt us a raw crab, y'dalek bastard.
[ANGRY] You're still dealing dodgy pills to nuns? You'll never exterminate in this town again!
Davros! Wait! Oh, poo. Well, there's always next week!
NUN HOISTS HER SKIRT ABOVE HER HEAD AND VOMITS FURTHER
If Hilda Ogden had been thought of 50 years
ago, etcetera, she would have been the original odd couple! Yessir! And
when she found a time flux warp zone in one of Stan's dirty string vests,
she was to be sucked into the adventure of a lifetime! What followed was
fine, upstanding children's viewing in the grand tradition of The Herb
Garden, The Magic Roundabout, and more recently, TeleTubbies.
THE BBC FIGHTS BACK WITH THE HOMELY ACTION CHILDREN'S SOAP THAT TIME FORGOT
What are you doing, Mrs Ogden?
Eh dear oh dear. Eh, our pteranodon. I'm sewing a magic hanky so that no-one will ever get a cold again in the Forbidden Valley. It's tricky as a bitch, pardon my French.
Is tricky a French word then, Mrs Ogden?
[ROLLING HER EYES] God bless the simple Pteranodons!
ENTER T-REX. CROWD GASPS.
Only me! Give us a biscuit.
There's bourbons in the barrel. No Jammy Dodgers, though, you'll ruin your appetite.
T-REX TRIES TO OPEN THE BARREL WITH HIS SPACCY HANDS. BOURBONS ARE SPRAYED EVERYWHERE.
Oh, Mrs Ogden, using your tantric sex magic powers, can you give me long fingers? I've got spaccy little fingers, like a goat.
Let's ask the magic tantric dog's egg!
We're going to ask the dog's egg for fingers for T-Rex,
T-REX That's me!
Will he say no? Will he say yes? We'll have to wait and see!
THE EGG FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW.
No fingers for me, then. Can you pass a biscuit up? I'm really hungry.
Magical Hilda in the Forbidden Valley never ends. Although in a very real sense it does end, and it does end, very much so, equally, and equally validly, it never ever ends, not at all.