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BACKGROUND : The original story of Tina Turner and the Impossible Egg was written in the year 1978 by Roald Dahl. The gentle story of a woman born to a humble family in Nutbush, America, who found power in song and used it to play pranks on the monsters who lived under the rubbish tip near her home. Richard O'Brien has remained true to the warmth and sincerity of this classic, by adding the themes of promiscuity, murder, and the apocalypse.

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT

SCENE ONE
TINA TURNER'S DREAM AND HANGOVER

VOICEOVER

ďDo you know who I am?Ē I screamed at the shopkeeper. ďI am Tina Turner! I sang many songs that you can find in the shops and buy and the least you can do is give me this fucking make-up for free!Ē 

The fuckiní bitch didnít give me the make-up, and things was gettiní desperate. My skin was beginning to flake off, and in minutes I would revert to Norman Tempest, songwriter and serial killer. If anyone saw this happen, I could well imagine my career as premier pop minx ending before my plan to steal Earthís dogs to feed my home planet reached fruition.

I had found the balance - Norman would write the songs, the kill somebody, and in consuming their corpse would gain the power to become me, Tina. But the effects soon wore off - after an enormous stadium concert and some raunchy misadventures which are far too entertaining to list here, my skin started falling off, and Norman hatched.

I woke up, as ever, with a mouth that felt as though two colliers had wrestled a shitty pig in it. I had drank far too much last night, just as I would tonight. Oh fucking boy. Whoo! Iíd had the nightmare about me being an alien, again. I rapped at my temples with my palm, more to make the gesture than anything else, and regretted it as an angry blossom speared across my sockets. I tested my singing voice with a few notes - still got it - and bellowed my hangover song out of the window. Today my song of seduction was to the tune of ďCopa CabanaĒ.

ďMy name is Tina, Ti-Tina Turner,
I went out on the lash,
Now Iím frothing at the gash,
Iím off-er-ing you, this tidy earner,
If you come and pleasure me,
I will give you 50p,
Iím horny as can be, eating poo drinking wee,
Thereíll be love and a spurty cum shot
Then Iíll make you tea...
My name is Tina - Ti-Tina Turrrrnerrrr,
Fill me with your tool, let me feast on your stools,
Call me Tina.....
Let's fall in love......."

I hopped onto my king size fuckbox and waited for the doorbell to start ringing. How was I to know that my right fallopian tube was carrying the egg that carried the doom of the world as its unfertilised cargo?

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT

SCENE TWO
WHEREIN FERTILISATION OF THE CARGO IS ACHIEVED

A romantic duet for two and a load of people dressed in sperm outfits

PRODUCTION NOTES
The ejaculation effect is very important, and should be achieved by people dressed in white, wearing paper globe lampshades on their heads, lying on skateboards and being pushed across the stage as they wriggle frantically. Done correctly, this effect is steptacular, in the wrong hands it is confusing and stupid.

Sperms Sitting in this pod sack, weíre itching to be free,
Egg Drifting through flesh corridors, needing spunk to enter me,
Sperms Weíre cookiní!
Egg  I wanna get stuffed,
Sperms Letís get fuckiní!
Egg Donít wanna get sloughed, with the bloody womb lining and all of that stuff....

Kontiki the Friendly Spermís spoken solo

Kontiki

My nameís Kontiki. I am unusually sensitive for a sperm, and if you were to compare me to the sperm of another animal, I would be the sperm of that meerkat that fell over on Jeremy Beadleís television program. Iím hoping that I get to that egg first, so that I can turn into an artist, or a retarded worker in a donkey sanctuary. People will love me, and I shall never want to hit them!

Other Sperm

Hey, Kontiki, you gay sperm puff bugger, weíre about to ejaculate!

Kontiki

Iím going to swim like Iíve never swum before. Obviously, seeing as Iíve never swum before. 

Grunt and splat 

Kontiki Iím swimming so fast that the fannyís a blur,
Egg I donít want to end in the matted cunt fur,
Kontiki Iím leaving the rest of the spunk far behind,
Egg But a problem with ethics keeps coming to mind....

Egg

Knowing that I contain the twisted fire-eyed apocalypse within me, should I resist my natural and normal urge to roll around in hot white sex glue? Those crazy bastards will be here any minute. [laughs] Oh, those crazy sperm bastards! Those guys! Iíve already forgotten what it was I was worried about! Oh, yes, apocalypse.

Slurping pop sound

Egg

Oh, bollocks.

Kontiki

Iím in! Hurrah for me, the plucky underdog. Oh, my God, what is that?Oh dear... what have I done?

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT

SCENE THREE
EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER : MATERNITY WARD
 

Nurse   Are you sure you donít want to have your baby now, Mrs Turner? Itís been twice the usual time, you know.
Tina No thank you, Iím quite happy with my Mullerice and my Friends videos.
Nurse   Iíll come back again next month then, Miss Turner.
Tina Oh, shit! Here it comes!
Nurse Hot towels!
Tina Thereís no need to be like that oh, you meant you wanted hot towels to deal with my birth?
Nurse No, I was using it as an exclamation of horror and disgust, as you initially thought.
Tina What rubbish. You must see this sort of thing every day. Is it a boy or a girl?
Nurse I didnít get a chance to see before it flew out of the window.
Tina Hey, it stole my knickers!
Nurse This oneís going to give you a bit of trouble, our Tina.
Tina     Fuck the little bastard. Ten seconds into the world and heís twocced me knickers and flown out of the window, heís no son of mine.
Nurse What's that on your neck, Miss Tina? It looks like all your skin is falling off!

In the rooftop of the church, the DoomBaby howls to the chorus of ďRelight My FireĒ

DoomBaby Ow Ow Ow-Ow Ow
Ow owowow ow ow-ow owoh
Ow Ow Ow-Ow Ow
Ow ow ooooooooooooooow ow OW!

DoomBaby chorus joins in with different sounds, lie ďPeeĒ and ďChooĒ,as fireworks go off.

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT

SCENE FOUR
TINA HIRES A PRIVATE DANCER

Tina     Hello, there. I would like to hire you to track down and destroy my son.
Dancer I donít think I can do that, Miss Turner.
Tina  Why the hot showstopper not?
Dancer One, it is a strange and disturbing request that goes entirely against my anti-murdering ethic, and two, I am not an assassin, I am a private dancer.
Tina  Oh, right. In that case, Iíll take two rumbas and a cha-cha.
Dancer Right away, Miss Turner.
Tina Call me Tina.

Commence rumba music

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT

SCENE FIVE
TINA HIRES AN ASSASSIN
 

Tina    Are you an assassin?
Assassin Well, yes, but that is normally considered a rather crass question to ask an assassin. We usually code it with seemingly nonsensical questions about wildlife.
Tina     Iím sorry. Shall we start again?

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT

SCENE SIX
TINA HIRES A DIVING KESTREL

Tina  Can you delimit the file of the diving kestrel?
Assassin Not with commas, as the file already contains these.
Tina What?
Assassin The file may need delimiting with a special character.
Tina    Will that be more expensive?
Assassin  Depends.
Tina Can we sort one thing out first. Are you a diving kestrel?
Assassin Many kestrels dive, few climb up to dive again.
Tina [shirty] Are you a diving kestrel?
Assassin [slightly shamefaced] Yes, I am.
Tina  Good. Iíd like to hire you to kill my son.
Assassin Excellent. This is the devil boy, yes? It is good that you have accepted that he must die.
Tina Fucking hell, news gets about 'round here, doesn't it? No, it's nothing to do with that. Iím just doing it for the craic, really.
Assassin Very well, that'll be fifty quids. I must apologise that I cannot sing, as I have a sore throat.
Tina Thatís fine, as it was getting boring anyway. Here, youíll need this dagger as it is the only thing that can kill him, apart from being minced as in the Pink Floyd video for The Wall. The mincing trick also works for werewolves.
Assassin I wonder where all the dogs have gone? You don't see many dogs around these days, do you?
Tina  [burps guiltily]

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT

SCENE SEVEN
THE ASSASSIN AND THE ANTICHRIST

DoomBoy, now five, crawls around the foyer of a hotel, angrily grabbing at peopleís trouser legs and stopping people reading by flicking the backs of their newspapers. He takes Tinaís knickers out of his pocket, cries into them briefly, then resumes biting people. The Assassin sits reading a copy of the Daily Mail in order to steel his gut for the deeds that lie ahead. A constant flicking at the paper causes him to lower it. 

Assassin I take it you are the spawn of Beelzebub.
Doomboy No, you are.
Assassin You are an abomination.
Doomboy Youíre flying low.
Assassin I am not flying low.
Doomboy Yes you are. Your nobís hanging out. Ur, this manís showing me his nob! Rape!
Assassin Stop it.
Doomboy Stop what? Iím not doing anything. Youíre raping me.
Assassin Stop saying that. Iím not raping you, and my cock isnít out.
Doomboy Here. Smell my finger.
Assassin Why, what is on it?
Doomboy You'll have to smell it to find out.
Assassin OK, but.. oh, what the fuck?
Doomboy Ha, ha! I had that finger up my bum! Now youíve got bob on your nose!
Assassin You truly are the son of Satan! I will stab you in the heart with this dagger!
Doomboy Oh, yeah? You and whose army?
Assassin What good would an army be with just one dagger? There would be endless arguments about who would hold it.
Doomboy Fair point; I know when I'm beat - just let my death be quick!
Assassin Stab! Stab! Stab!
Doomboy Stop saying stab while you're stabbing me. It's really rubbing my face in it, you know.
Assassin I AM ASSASSIN!
Policeman Would you mind stop stabbing that dead boy and accompanying me to the station, sir?
Assassin Very well.

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT

SCENE EIGHT
SCOPE FOR A SEQUEL

Norman Tempest Crikey, it turns out that my alien dream was simply my subconscious reminding me of a forgotten reality, and I am an alien after all. What's more, I accidentally gave the assassin the wrong dagger, so my son cannot be dead!
DoomChap That's right, mother. I am now fully grown, at the height of my powers, and I wish to join in your bid for world conquest.
Norman  Together we shall be unstoppable!
DoomChap [to himself] And yet I remember being a friendly sperm - perhaps I will come good after all?

 THE END 

The soundtrack to Tina Turner and the Impossible egg is available in three formats; sung over the phone, or as an echo. If you want a more permanent copy, sing it into your cupped hands and release the music later by opening up your palms. Just don't forget it's there!

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