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The Sticky Gonzales

1. Slide your left foot to the right, and bend the knee. Move your right foot to the left immediately and without compromise.
2. Wave your right foot in the air, with a pleasing nonchalance. Pretend you are kicking flies into the toilet.
3. Smile!
4. Run around in a small circle three times, then lie down and pretend to swim. To professional dancers, this is called "sweet licking".
5. Time to show off - if there's anyone you like watching, rub yourself between the legs at them, and pull a funny face. To say this is an easy move, it's very effective - Spike has made a girl faint by doing this.
6. Nearly there - jog on the spot, and then fall over and roll around on the floor.
7. Stand up, jump up and down, and rest.

The Hot Conker

1. Stand with your feet slightly open, as though you were opening a door to a welcome visitor.
2. Jump up and down.
3. Smile!
3. Bend down and place your left hand on the floor.
4. Wave your right arm in the air as high as you can get it. Really wave it around!
5. At this point, I can't emphasise the importance of smiling enough - come on, your face won't fall into your mouth!
6. Stand up and cease all activity.
7. Do the splits, make a comical "O" with your mouth, and fall slowly to one side.

The Free-Style Disco-Slap

1. This is the hardest dance of all. Soften up your bones before you begin by waving your arms in the air for twenty minutes.
2. Jump high into the air, landing backwards. As you hit the floor, collapse into a foetal shell. Explode from this shell landing some distance away, facing the right way round again.
3. Are you smiling? If not, start smiling now.
4. Run so fast into the wall that you start running up it - you will have seen Take That and Kurt Russell doing this in the movies. The trick is to go as fast as you can, then you will start going up the wall. Promise.
5. Once up the wall, if you are going fast enough, you might be able to get on the ceiling. You will have seen Lionel Richie doing this. He is a very fast runner. When on the ceiling, jump around and hold your nose, as though you are underwater. To get down from the ceiling, think sad thoughts.
6. Back on the floor, run around like you are a pinball - bump into things and go "ching!". This can irritate grumpy teachers, so keep it to music lessons, where they will know what you are doing.
7. Congratulations! You have just danced the Free-Style Disco-Slap, the hardest dance there is!