|Here are our
hits, which should have got to
and stayed there for 1
hundred years. But they didn't.
The songs we sing aren't just music tunes - they contain hidden messages that will rouse hidden weapons from miles under the Earth's crust, should humanity's need be great enough.
So if the world's in danger, call 911!
(PS Don't Panic - it's only a bit of fun!)
|Ideal for Godzilla / Japanese Monster type disasters. Only use this song against evil Godzilla types, not the ones that are actually nice. I don't even know if Godzilla's meant to be nice or nasty anymore. That film confused me - he was bad in that, wasn't he? Anyway, this song will puncture his heart and make him fall over - don't use it on him if he's next to your shiny new bike, unless you don't mind it getting crushed.|
the real world combines with a fantasy world, and wobbly portals keep
opening up like they did in the He-Man film, then this song will fly into
the hole and bung it up like a big plug. This song works by making
everyone well-disposed to each other, and want to dance. When you're
dancing, you're not killing people, unless you're really weird.
Also use the CD as a ninja death star that can slice through an orc's scaly armoured hide like it was a baby's ass.
|This is a cover of
the Bomb The Bass song, which was also called Don't Make Me Wait. It's the
perfect song for launching the final attack on the island Headquarters of
a bond villain.
It works by winning the heart of the villian's right hand woman. Play this song to her and we'll do all the talking... you just have to have sex with her. After sex, ask her where the boss is and she will take you to him and give you a laser gun. Shoot him quickly, before he puts up his invisible shields!
|This song is
designed to bring back the human love to the world, should an Artificial
Intelligence lifeform turn against its owners and start farming the humans
for their chemical energy. When the inhuman super-computer hears this
song, it will lay an illogical seed in the programming structure - the
illogical seed of love!
Within a week the computer will be talking all wet and being kind to people it doesn't know.
|If the Earth opens up and starts spitting out hot hell, then play this song into the hole and it will summon the blue demon, who will wee into the lava and stop it from blowing up your mum's skirt. Sadly this demon is not kind-hearted, and will demand a human sacrifice from you - our suggestion is to pretend that you really love a complete stranger, and act all gutted when the blue demon eats her. Then go back to your mum.|
one's a red herring. It's the one we thought would most obviously be a
song to save the world, so the forces of evil would try to wipe this song
out first by buying all the copies. So we made this song to be like ant
poison, that evil's winged monkeys would take back to their master's
heart, and deliver the poison into the king's black belly.
Leave a copy of this CD on your roof and buy another one to play and dance to.
|This song can save
the world from heading straight into a pit of depravity and self-abuse. It
stops all forms of moral decay, by encouraging people to just have a good
time. A good time in this context means orange juice and table tennis; not
to be confused with drinking wine and bawdy misbehaviour.
911 do not encourage the use of drugs, despite the next sentence. Take so many drugs that you forget what the first one was.
Infection causing genetic mutation of all life? Hide under a mattress and
play this song to yourself. Then sing along, and enourage everyone whose
arms haven't evolved into tattered leathery wings to join hands with you.
Healing circles of green love will emanate from your musical stereo equipment, stopping the progression of the virus. Sadly, it won't undo the effects of the virus, so there'll be a lot of humane killing to do - 911 advise guns, but hammers will do.
|This song is for
averting the apocalypse. It's OK - you can play it before the apocalypse,
it'll still work. It opens up a cloud that will drop out a diamond that
you can use to summon us. We will arrive with a Radio One Roadshow and
completely stop the world from ending, with a sound system that will blow
your socks off!
The four horsemen will slowly get off their horses, their feet will start tapping, and before you know it they'll be working in drug counselling "chill out" rooms at Gatecrasher rave nights.