|Being in the band, I've had a
few experiences that I want to share with you. Some of them are
toe-curling, like the time I hit my testicles against a fan, but others
are uplifting, like the time I saved a young boy's life, and he grew up to
be Mahatma Gandhi.
I just want to thank you all for making this possible.
Time I Fell In Love
|I first met Britney
Spears when we were ice-skating. She looked over at me and mouthed "I
love you", and I was over there like a snake up a tree. We dated for
three hours before she said she had to go home.... to America! I was
We still keep in touch, although her letters have gotten a bit creepy recently. She keeps talking about blood. I think she's going mad.
Time I Got Stuck
couldn't believe it! They'd run out of toilet roll for starters - which I
think is really shoddy - and then the bolt came off in my hand! Trying to
climb out of the cubicle, I hit my head on the sink and had this weird
vision where I sat on the toilet, and pooed everything out except my arm,
which I used to flush. I reassembled myself in the gutter outside, and
went back to fetch my arm.
The thing is, I know this couldn't have happened, but when I came to, the door was unlocked!
Time I Got Run
|I think they did it
on purpose because there's a clause in the contract that says that if I
get killed Lee and Jimmy get to have sex with my corpse. I don't like this
clause much, but I figure that I'll be dead anyway, so what the hell.
Turned out that a really dedicated fan had sucked out all the brake fluid, and drank it! She must have been really ill.
Time I Got Drunk
didn't think anything of it at the time, but apparently Mel was totally
pissed off at me. I'd just misheard something he'd said - you know,
something about my affair with Jimmy. I knew he was a Catholic, so he
wouldn't agree with all that gay stuff, so I waited for him to come out of
the toilets and hit him on the back of the head with a spade. I was really
drunk, I explained all this to him the next day.
Apparently, I'm blacklisted in Hollywood now. Good. Didn't want to go there anyway.
Time I Wanked
|Not what you'd
think. In fact, I was wanking into the reflective side, unaware that a
group of schoolchildren were learning about one-way mirrors on the other
side. I like to think that this experience will have made the lesson more
memorable for them - in fact, I have thought about hiring myself out. When
people are having the lesson that they think will be most important for
them in their lives, then I shall wank all the way through it so that they
never forget that lesson. Brilliant idea - plus, I really love wanking, so
it's a win win scenario.
The trouble I got into for this one, though - and I didn't even come!