special moments

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those magic dance moves

Being in the band, I've had a few experiences that I want to share with you. Some of them are toe-curling, like the time I hit my testicles against a fan, but others are uplifting, like the time I saved a young boy's life, and he grew up to be Mahatma Gandhi.

I just want to thank you all for making this possible.

The Time I Fell In Love
With Britney Spears

I first met Britney Spears when we were ice-skating. She looked over at me and mouthed "I love you", and I was over there like a snake up a tree. We dated for three hours before she said she had to go home.... to America! I was heartbroken.

We still keep in touch, although her letters have gotten a bit creepy recently. She keeps talking about blood. I think she's going mad.

The Time I Got Stuck
In A Public Toilet

I couldn't believe it! They'd run out of toilet roll for starters - which I think is really shoddy - and then the bolt came off in my hand! Trying to climb out of the cubicle, I hit my head on the sink and had this weird vision where I sat on the toilet, and pooed everything out except my arm, which I used to flush. I reassembled myself in the gutter outside, and went back to fetch my arm.

The thing is, I know this couldn't have happened, but when I came to, the door was unlocked!

The Time I Got Run
Over By The Tour Bus

I think they did it on purpose because there's a clause in the contract that says that if I get killed Lee and Jimmy get to have sex with my corpse. I don't like this clause much, but I figure that I'll be dead anyway, so what the hell.

Turned out that a really dedicated fan had sucked out all the brake fluid, and drank it! She must have been really ill.

The Time I Got Drunk
And Attacked Mel Gibson

I didn't think anything of it at the time, but apparently Mel was totally pissed off at me. I'd just misheard something he'd said - you know, something about my affair with Jimmy. I knew he was a Catholic, so he wouldn't agree with all that gay stuff, so I waited for him to come out of the toilets and hit him on the back of the head with a spade. I was really drunk, I explained all this to him the next day.

Apparently, I'm blacklisted in Hollywood now. Good. Didn't want to go there anyway.

The Time I Wanked
Into A One-Way Mirror

Not what you'd think. In fact, I was wanking into the reflective side, unaware that a group of schoolchildren were learning about one-way mirrors on the other side. I like to think that this experience will have made the lesson more memorable for them - in fact, I have thought about hiring myself out. When people are having the lesson that they think will be most important for them in their lives, then I shall wank all the way through it so that they never forget that lesson. Brilliant idea - plus, I really love wanking, so it's a win win scenario.

The trouble I got into for this one, though - and I didn't even come!