[introduction] [meet the group] [TVography]
[acting school] [rejected scripts]
[discography] [cleo2000] [sitcom]

CLEOPATRA
MEET THE GROUP

I was born in a hospital down in Ohio - next to a big olí whorehouse. I was born first, which makes me the boss. I've got hair near most everywhere, around my nipples, in my mouth, and a freaky bush sproutin' outta my ass. The doctor says Iím turning into some kinda coyote - but he donít know shit! That crazy doctor don't know shit, y'hear?

I go to school where I am in charge of the hamsters  - this is special work, because hamsters have many natural predators, like the Mallet, and Woodwork Vice. My Geopraphy teacher is Vanilla Ice - he is so cool! He taught me how to make words rhyme, and I use this every day in my songs. I write all the songs Ďcos I am sensitive. When I play my records to the hamsters, I can make them dance with electricity! I call one of them MC Hamster - and here come the hotstepper - heís the lyrical Hamster!

I wear the biggest hats in the band - some of my hats are so fuckiní big! Thereís this one hat that I wore to the funeral of Megatron, my creator - it caused my neck to suffer pain for weeks after! Thatís a big fuckiní hat!

I is Yonah. I be da best. Oh yeah! Sheeeet! Honey piyee, I's so bad I cud just sheet! I's angry!  What's wid da fightin? Why don't dey just be lovin' and makin' sweet booty calls?

If I'sa be da Prime Ministah, I'd-a be knockin' on dem doors, and leavin' little parcels, y'know? Lil' parcels of love! Ain't no love - ain't no use, yhearme? Mmm-MMM!

I'm also trying to arrange a bring and buy sale in the Girl Guides Woodthorpe squad; all proceeds will go towards hanging shiny plastic hearts off the lamp-posts in the main street. In this way subliminal love would become pervasive, and hatred would end. I have applied for an Enterprise Initiative grant, if they still exist.

Yousa mean people gonna die? Dat's da sweetest taboo! Everybody say oo-oo, as the tea has just mashed adequetely for drinking.

Yonah is the product of a very liberal mixed marriage. Her "cool" white father taught her her roots, badly, and her black mother encouraged her to fit in with white culture, figuring it would make her life easier. With a double miseducation, she grew up very confused, to the point where half of the time she doesn't actually know what she is saying.

Hi, there. My name's Joyce. I stepped in to replace Cleo after she got Fame, learned how to fly, and flew off. It makes me so wet to think of all those horny boys who are reading this now, and looking at me. It makes me... hot. I could get freaky with you, baby. Oh, so freaky.

I first met the girls when they were walking past my Curio shop in Milwaukee. I beckoned them over, and Cleo found something she wanted beyond words, in the bottom of an ornate trunk. I told her that she could have it, if she could reach it. Sadly, in her struggle, the lid closed shut tightly - and the girls were due to play in twenty minutes! There was only one thing for it - I put on my raunchiest yellow number, practiced a few moves with the ladies, and we've never looked back.

When the fame ends, I may let Cleo out of the trunk, and return to my work in the Curio shop. I do make sure that my hired help squeezes Primula through the keyhole so that she will not starve. I am fully aware that my story changes very often as to the fate of Cleo. It is all a smoke-screen. She is inside me. I ate her. She is due to hatch in fifteen months.

disappointment