A Queen Mother.

If she came in four exciting flavours, they would be dewdrops, candy canes, Birmingham, and Silk Cut.

If she came round my house, I would run into the toilet and hide until she left; from what I have heard, she has a terrible appetite. A friend of mine had to grab her ankles and pull her out of the fridge. Even then, she was tearing lumps out of a trifle and cramming it into her mouth, not even realising she'd been caught!

If she came into a bucket in front of a crowd of baffled farmers, I wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't be surprised at all.

Our Queen's mother is 100 years old. 100 years ago, image maps were just beginning to be used on the internet. Now I'm using them too. Click on bits of a Queen Mum.