The one thing I have resisted doing so far is letting my girlfriend, Jennifer, have a page on my website. Not because I am slow to promote a cosy straight version of myself, but because she really is crushingly dull and looks like a pig. Why I go out with her is a disgusting mystery.

And knowing her, she’ll just put a photograph of herself next to a horse on it and complain about me, and how I never open my eyes when we make love. And why should I? As I have said, she looks like a pig, and I am not one to look at a pig as I lower myself onto it.

Go on, then.