Do YOU wanna be in OUR GANG?
Our gang? Our gang?

I have found a new font! My computer calls it "Verdana", but that's a rubbish name. I am going to call it "Swirlypops", after my favourite sweet. I invented the Swirlypops when I was eight - you make it by rolling mince in sherbet. Nobody liked my Swirlypops! Cunts!

You will know about my best friend, Sandy - if you've been reading properly! We form an elite group of friends who are the Best Friend Bunch. We pretend that we're on the run from the Boring Police, who chase us down and make us feel bad for having fun. That's not FAIR!

Oh, this will make you laugh! We call ourselves an "elite group" now, but we used to be a "crack squad", like the A-Team. But when we advertised for new friends for our squad, we got raided by policemen who thought we were trying to start up a prostitute dancing troupe. The funny thing, though, was that the policemen went to school with someone Sandy knows from following them around. Is that WEIRD or WHAT?

We are looking for new members for our gang. We don't accept anyone, though, do we Sandy?


Too right we don't, Sandy! Firstly, we don't let in boring people. Boring people smell, and include anyone who doesn't agree with me on certain constitutional matters. For instance, Harry Hill is NOT FUNNY. That silly stupid man makes me want to SCREAM! They say he used to be a doctor. Why he would want to stop saving lives and make SILLY TELEVISION PROGRAMMES like that I cannot guess. Perhaps he was a rubbish doctor who killed loads of people.

Secondly, NO BOYS! Boys are only after one thing. They just want to tickle our toot-toots with their tummy parpers. And we just want to have fun... you know, like hang out... and talk about kooky stuff. But not drugs.

The third rule of the Best Friends Bunch is that on the first day on being in the Best Friends Bunch you have to do everything we say! You have to make our beds, and run up and down stairs until we say you can stop. Don't worry - we're not mean, and we won't make you die!

We'll show you some people who have tried and failed - then you can send in your photo and see if YOU qualify to be one of the Best Friends Bunch!

#1 Leslie Fox

Hi! I'm Leslie and I love your pages!!! As you can see I am a great bit of lady - I love smiling! Sometimes I smile for days and days. My doctor says that my smiling is simply a byproduct of an obscure medical condition which means my lips aren't big enough to cover my enormous teeth. Sometimes I think he's right, because in reality I am not very happy.

My heart is empty and I have nothing to offer.

Thanks for your interest, Leslie! We appreciate your honesty... you freak! You know why you're not so happy - it's because you're a bunch of bumholes stuck together with sticky hair!

#2 Brad Vonnegut

Hi there!! You mega mega white thing!! Here is a photo of me demonstrating with my hands how me and you should get it together. That's me on top, and if you look closely you'll notice that I'm nibbling your ear. You sweet sweet fantasy baby!! All we can do is step back in time.

Email me if you're ever in Kidderminster and need a good seeing to. Bring that Sandy girl along too - she can leave her hat on and get into the back seat!!!

Thanks for your interest Brad, but NO BOYS! If we let boys into our gang, then our gang would turn into a gun-shooting gang, or a bucking bronco competition. NO BOYS!

I don't like boys.

Too right, Sandy.

#3 Tragic Louise

Hello. Thanks for the opportunity to join your gang.

I was born as the weaker of a pair of conjoined twins. After a lengthy legal tousle involving ethics, it was decided that we should be seperated, against the will of my parents, who are also twins conjoined in the same body. Sadly, my stronger sister, who let me use her organs while we were together, died in the operation. This means that I can live, but I am a dismembered head who has to roll around from organ to organ, using them one by one, to stop myself from dying. The doctors are nice, and put out my sisters organs in the right order, so I don't have to roll around too much, but it sometimes gets to me. Why can't they give me a skin pod, containing all the organs I need, which I can use with a medical straw?

I shouldn't complain, though. Some people don't even have heads.

We'd love to have you as a member, Louise. Sadly, though, we do a lot of body-related activities, such as clapping. You could be our mascot, but you would probably think that was patronising. I know how stroppy you people can get about things like that. So just to be on the safe side, we're going to ask you to go away. However, we're sending you a NEAR MISS badge. Hope you find somewhere nice to pin it!

#4 Crazy George

Boy oh boy oh boy! Am I mad as a poo! Yes I am! I like jumping up and down on my bed, until I'm out of breath. Then I get off my bed and mess around with a Rubik's Cube for five seconds before shouting "Boooo-RING!" and throwing it into a bucket. Then I run downstairs and ask my mum what's for dinner, and when she tells me what it is, I pretend I misheard her and say "You're serving us TESTICLES on TOAST? Dad, Mum's giving us TESTICLES on TOAST for dinner!" Then I watch fast cartoons that make my eyes dart about, and try to hail taxis saying "How much is it to London please?" then getting in and saying "No that's too expensive I'll go to Manchester instead." Then I get out of the taxi altogether.

I want to join your gang. If you don't let me join your gang I am going to pull this face until the wind changes.

NO BOYS! How many times? NO BOYS!

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