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Desperately Speakin' Deacon

and uses files that RealPlayer uses too


part ONE : talking JOEY

(the Joey Deacon Top 10)

This section of the Desperately Speakin' Deacon is to be devoted to the songs that you sing to me about the Joey Deacon Pheromonal Phenomenon. There's only two so far, but there you go. It's a new thing, isn't it? Perhaps you will send more. I will tell you how to do this momentarily. Before that, here is the top ten (three) so far.


One Julian Berry The Football Chant
Two Julian Berry Out Pops A Spastic
Three Julian Berry The Yorkie Advert
Four - Ten Reserved for YOU    

To add your entry to the top ten, phone 07092 109517 and you will be greeted by a robot lady. Don't tell her you are leaving a fax, because you're not. Then, sing your song over the phone and it will be emailed to me. This will all happen within about thirty seconds. Five years later, it will appear on this page. I'm that efficient. Once I get ten entries, every new entry will be at the expense of the worst of the rest. Unless it is worse than the rest, in which case I will probably just transcribe it onto a new page. Like it'll ever come to that.

part TWO : JOEY talking

The preferred method of talking like Joey Deacon is to put your tongue in front of your lower set of teeth, open your mouth as wide as the imperfect human jaw hinge allows, and honk like a goose that suffers from cerebral palsy.

To give you some idea of how this actually sounds, here are some of my efforts, along with Ernie Roberts' translations. Is he making it all up in a attempt to turn Joey into a spokesperson for his own political beliefs? You must decide for yourself.

Joey could not even handle basic "hello" functions, and the basic branches of preliminary small talk that can now be mainained even by text-only adventure games. My favourites were adventure games which responded to swearing, by saying "I beg your pardon?" or "There's no need for that!"
Life is a series of scrapes for our Deacon. As you can imagine, misunderstandings often lead to Joey getting himself into hilarious scenes! Like the time a random twitch caused him to slap the Queen's bottom, and she blamed it on Hitler, causing World War 2!
A scene from Joey Deacon's most famous maritime botheration. I'd like to take this opportunity - once again - to express wonder at this - how the hell did he do it?
In one of his rare good moods, after Ernie paid for a prostitute to give him oral relief. Ernie had to watch in order to translate Joey's groans into coherent words of pleasure.
(NB : In the background the Blue Peter presenter can be heard narrating to the children.)

 (The quality of these recordings is low - in the senses of reproduction and morality.)