The Mílud Life : Episode Four

Cross Purposes

The Logical Conclusion

 

INT : LOUNGE : Human Gravy Dream One

It is internal twilight in THE lounge. A slightly out of tune piano plays to itself. Hilary looks to the kitchen. Eerie lighting. Hilary walks to the door, peeks around the crack, and sees a woman preparing dinner, humming to herself in a warped childís voice (Elm Street-sy). Hilary runs back and sits at the table. The door OPENS VIOLENTLY WITHOUT THE WOMAN TOUCHING IT; SHE holds a tray of food, and presents it to Hilary.

Woman

Itís beef for breakfast, and Iím the gravy.

AS SHE LEAPS ONTO THE PLATE, Hilary wakes up, sweatING. He wakes Killian, who lies next to him.

Hilary

Killian, I had the human gravy dream again. What does it mean?

Killian wakes up, sweating

Killian

Oh, shit. I had the sleeping with Hilary dream again. What does it mean?

 

Narrator

This episode is the second part of a two-part episode. I want to tell you what happened last week, but Iím shy. But if you ask me, nicely mind, I might just tell you. [deep breath] The local Christian Union tricked Killian with the use of fake promotion to a mythical town of the past. The others, motivated by selfish and unrelated purpose, followed him. There they killed a creature which represented everyoneís fears, and in doing so removed a curse on the Winterís family name. However, the Christians used this time to good effectTheirs is a ruthless regime of delicately prepared cuisine, and the judges now live underground in a network of caves and sewers, plotting their return. Will they deliver the goods? Or will the traffic lights be against them? Tonight, we find out, as our frisky pals battle it out in a titanic clash of Gavels and Crucifii. [caption]

 

INT : Judgeís Lounge.

Keith walks around, dusting. A woman, Susan is in the kitchen, cooking. Two others, wearing ďBoboĒ and ďBubbaĒ T-shirts, like Batvillain thugs, sit watching TV.

Keith

Susan, darling. I want you to come in here a moment and look at me. Arenít I great?

Susan

Iíll have to slip in my biggest eyes.

Keith

I love you very much.

Susan

And I love you very much as well. [she doubles over in pain] Oh! Ow!

Keith

What is it?

Susan

[agonised] My heart ... itís rejoicing... I thinkÖ

Keith

Excellent. Some music will help you. Bobo, Bubba, help this woman rejoice.

BOBA SLIPS IN WEAK METAL Bon Jovi music as Susan grasps herself and tumbles - the words go a wee bit like this

CHRISTIAN METAL SONG

I like cookies, and I like milk,
I like the feel of fresh white silk,
I like peas and I like their pods,
And most of all, I like God
And his book, The Bible.

The music ends with a needle zipping - darker music starts up - Susan has clawed herself to her feet, and is recovering

Keith

Enough revelry. Our plan has come to fruition. It is time to put the final stage into action. Susan, has your heart finished rejoicing?

Susan

Just... yes...

Keith

Have you prepared the invites?

Susan

YesÖ there.

Keith

Theyíre a bit wet, Susan.

Susan

The.. tableís leaking.

Keith

Oh. [pause] The tableís leaking upwards?

Susan

Yes. ItísÖ a miracle.

Keith

Oh. [brightens up] Brilliant! Theyíll dry out in the post if you poke little holes in the envelopes. Boys, have you got the name tags?

Bobo

Bubba ate some of them. They said ďfoodĒ on, and he thought that meant they were food.

Bubba

I got a paper cut on my tooth.

Keith

Not to worry. We have the electoral roll, weíll just go through it again. Weíll do it for Jesus.

Susan

What are you planning, Darren?

Keith

[mildly] Thatís Keith. The Darren I used to be is long dead. FYI, Susan, weíre inviting the whole town of Ludlow into our flat, which used to be the judgesí flat, for dinner.

Susan

Tchoch. And I suppose Iíll be doing the cooking.

Keith

You know I look gay in a pinny, Susan.

Susan

Hmmph.

Keith

Very well. And whilst you work, I will continue explaining my plan to Bobo and Bubba.

Bobo and Bubba are playing Scissor Paper Stone, ignoring Keith

What the people do not know, is that in their food will be the secret ingredient. [he looks around for attention, and gets none. This is not played for long at all.] Susan, can you come back in here a minute? Iím being terribly dramatic. [she pokes her head around the door]

Susan

This wonít take long, will it? [rolling her eyes] Mushrooms donít stuff themselves, you know.

Keith

[as though Susan is clearly stupid] Yes, they do. And Iím just asking for a minute.

Susan

Get on with it, then.

Keith

What they donít know is that theyíll be eating the special ingredient. [zoom in] Theyíll be eating our love.

Susan

What, you mean like in Indian restaurants, when they... [making a vague wank gesture] you know... into the Dansak?

Keith

[still zoomed in] No. [zoom out] And of course, weíll have spiked the chicken with a generous amount of LSD. And none of the modern acid, weíve got the stuff they made in the 60s. The stuff that turned colours into sound.

pause

Susan

Well, I donít know if I approve of that.

Keith

Once they are full of our joyous love, and acid, in their uncoordinated stupor, they will cling like brain limpets to a reassuring faith. I will become the new Charles Manson without the murder. First, a cryptic and teasing riddle to our eternal foes, the Judges.

 

INt : udnerground Judgecave.

The Judgecave is laid out like a very cheap Batcave. itís got a flashing machine in it anyway, and looks vaguely underground

Killian

Itís been a while since the judges of Ludlow were forced down here.

Hilary

Five years. It was 1995, when the evil Dr. Embargo hatched a super-race of cyborg dinosaurs, or cybosaurs.

flashback - exactly the same, but Mary is not there - the ground above shakes, and dust falls

Hilary

Whatís the plan, Shit 25?

shit 25

Plan?

Hilary

Plan.

Shit 25

Weíre going to sit here until someone kills those cybosaurs. And I sick of being called Shit 25. Iím going to change my name to Killian.

return - Mary is fiddling with the machinery - Killian slaps her hand

Killian

Ba - ba. Curious fingers killed the cat.

Mary

Hang on, thatís not right.

Killian

[pause] Yes it is. You shouldnít finger cats.

Mary

Say, finger them in an identity parade?

Killian

If you like. I meant up their arse, though.

Mary

Would that kill a cat?

Killian

[cheering up] Well, thereís only one way to find out!

time passes animation - a cat sits in a vice with the telescopic arm from Episode 2ís ďtest of faithĒ about to poke it up the arse

Mary

Arenít we digressing slightly?

Killian

Well, perhaps. [begrudgingly releases cat. whispers in its ear] Next time, Tiddles, Iíll get you next time.

Mary

Where are we?

Hilary

Itís a secret judgesí place where we go in times of social trauma.

Killian

No-one knows about it. The illegal immigrants who built it had their tongues cut out and their shins kicked into their backs.

a postman trots in

Postman

Telegram for Redgrave.

Killian

Thatís me.

Postman

[he hands him the telegram] Youíll have to sign for it.

Killian

Have you got a pen?

Postman

[he hands him the telegram and a pen] Here you go.

Killian

Hmm, purple. You donít see many purple pens about.

Postman

Itís my daughterís. They donít let her use it at school, her teacher said it wasnít a healthy form of self-expression. So I bought it off her for 50 pence.

Killian

[signs and taps the pen on the pad] There you go. This pen seems worth a good couple of pounds, though.

Postman

[deadly serious, takingpad and handing Killian the telegram] Sheíd used some of the ink. Itís a used pen. Bitchís gotta learn. Hereís your telegram.

Killian

Thanks. Bye now!

Postman

Bye! ≠[winks and leaves]

Hilary and Mary look to Killian, and then to the exiting postman. Mary looks at Hilary, and Hilary shrugs. Meanwhile, Killian has opened the telegram

Killian

Itís from those infernal Christians. Damn their diabolical sodomy holes to hell.

Mary

What does it say?

Killian

I donít know. Theyíve INFURIATINGLY written it upside down.

Hilary

[thumping his palm] Holy monkfish twatspunk!

[pause - Hilary looks embarrassed] Sorry. I always go like that down here.

Killian

[he tries to twist his head around] Itís no good. I canít stretch... far... enough... around. Hilary - get my anti-gravity boots.

fade out and in. Killian is suspended from a bar by his boots - his arms are crossed over to keep the paper objectively upside-down

Mary

What does it say?

Killian

Itís a riddle! ďWhy were the Frenchmen angry?Ē

Hilary

Steamed puddings! Frenchmen!

Killian

Thereís a hidden clue here.

Mary

Frenchmen... frogs.

Killian

What do frogís legs taste like?

Hilary

Floating Bob Todds! Chicken!

Killian

But thatís not all. Angry - or cross Ė the crucifix. This is the work of the Christian Union.

Mary

Theyíre planning to feed everyone is Ludlow chicken.

Hilary

The fiends!

Mary

But - theyíre hiding something from us.

Killian

What?

Mary

Theyíve avoided using certain letters. Look here. Thereís no S in ďAngryĒ. And thereís no L in ďFrenchmenĒ. And if you look very closely, youíll see thereís no D in ďTheĒ. Especially not between the ďTĒ and ďHĒ. Look, there. Rearrange those missing letters, and you get ďSDLĒ. Which is an anagram of DSL.

Killian

Theyíre going to drug an entire town, with diesel!

Mary

Not so fast.... read DSL backwards, or upsidedown, like they sent the letter, and you get....

Killian

My God... LSD. The head drug of choice.

Hilary

Scampering Naked Jewboys!

Mary

You do come out with a lot of shit, Hilary.

Hilary

I canít help it. Well Iím sure Iím sorry. Look, can I put on my judgeís cape? Iíd feel more comfortable in a cape, at the minute.

Killian

Hmm. I kind of know what you mean. To the Judgewardrobe!

Scene break - a spinning wig spins towards you and spins back to reveal the new scene, with that Batman INCIDENTAL. Hilary and Killian are now wearing full judicial garb

Killian

Yes, thatís better.

Hilary

[primping himself] Oh, yes. This is much better. Oh, Killian, your wigís slightly off.

Killian

[Russell Granty] And your sash isnít flattering your peachy hips.

they faff camply with each other. Mary coughs. They look sheepishly from their fussing

Mary

You are disgusting.

the two look CAMPLY AT MARY, AS IF TO SAY ďooooh, SMELL HERĒ, and continue faffing in a more sheepishly subdued fashion, BUT JUST AS CAMP

Mary

Shall we go?

Killian

Yes! To the...

Mary

Oh, stop it.

 

INT: The Judgeís Lounge.

In the kitchen, Susan accidentally knocks the acid over the food and a tea towel. She mops it up with the rag, dabs her forehead with it, and takes the food into the lounge

Keith is leafing through the RSVPís

Susan

Iíve brought in some little sausages.

Keith

Susan, Iíd say you were an angel, but God might strike me down for lying. Excellent. Theyíve all accepted our gracious invite. Except one Peter Kane. [now show Peter Kane, standing behind the counter] He works in the 24 hour Spar on Sundays. He sends his deepest apologies.

FADE OUT : FADE IN

INT. SPAR.

We enter the shop on Peterís first day. He is being briefed by his boss

Boss

So, Peter, hereís your name badge. We use barcodes here. We do. We really, really, do. We have a lot of trouble with shoplifters, drunks, and gangs, but Iíve got faith in you, youíve got laughing eyes. [quickly, not wanting to be heard] And of course you already know about Boxhead. [starts to run to the door]

Peter

Yes.. no, did you just say Boxhead? Whatís Boxhead?

Boss

[stopping] Oh. 25 years ago, a child fell down our delivery chute, and his head became lodged in a box of vitamin pills and Peperamis. Feeding on the contents, he grew to full adulthood, and still lives in the shop.

Peter

Right.

Boss

[cheerfully] Well, Iím off to the bank. Iím making my presence felt with the lady cashiers.

Peter

[nervously] Erm... donít be long.

Boss

Too late. Iíve already been gone for two hours.

he fades away, with ďtwo hoursĒ echoing

Peter looks nervously around. He looks outside, and behind him Boxhead rises from between aisles. The current face is threatening. Back to the Christian lounge

FADE OUT AND IN

INT : JUDGEíS LOUNGE

Bobo

Do you want that we should see to him, boss?

Keith

[eating a little sausage] No, boys. Once the majority have been converted, the mob will kill the unbeliever.

Bubba

Right, boss.

Keith

And then, Killian, I will finally have the advantage. Oh Killian, do you remember the early days? You were always so... popular.

 

EXT. School Playground.

Sections from this flashback are overlapped with Killianís flashback, just from different angles. Darren sits on a bench, reading a Famous Five book.

Darren

[to himself] Oh, George, you relentless tomboy. Would that we were older, so our love could find physical expression. As it is, I can only run this book against my hair.

[he does so. The young Killian, Shit 25, takes it off him]

shit 25

Reading something, are we? Reading is for girls. Are you a girl?

Darren

No. I am not agirl, Shit 25.

shit 25

[ignoring his name] Well, answer me this, then. Have you got a penis or a vagina?

Darren

A penis.

shit 25

Oh. Are you sure?

Darren

Yes.

shit 25

Is that your final answer?

darren

Yes Ė oh, hang onÖ

shit 25

Yes? Yes?

Darren

No, itís a penis. Iíve got a penis.

shit 25

[dejected] Pants.

Darren

Leave me alone. I want to read.

Shit 25 takes the book from him

shit 25

Time for Level 2. Are you heterosexual or homosexual?

Darren

Hetero. Give me my book back.

shit 25

Hit him, Booboo. In the kidney. [BooBoo does so] Say youíre a homo. Then weíll leave you alone. Say ďI am a homo and I like other homosĒ.

Darren

No. Itís not true.

shit 25

Booboo. Do the.. [gestures] punching.

Darren

Alright. But you promise to leave me alone.

shit 25

You have my word.

Darren

I am a homo and I like other homos.

shit 25

Come on, boys, to the printing press!

INT. ClassROOM.

The classroom has a number of ďDarren Jeffs - Absolutely QueerĒ outing posters, with a photo of Darren. The teacher is conducting a normal class

Teacher

[very disinterested] And if youíve got a remainder at the end, forget about it. No, forget about division altogether. Letís just stick to Music. Get the glockenspiels out, Jeremy. [the whole class get out glockenspiels and start plinking with them] Thatís the spirit. Play with them for half an hour, Iím just going to the staff room to frig over David Hasselhoff.

Darren has his hand up

[wearily] Yes, Darren?

Darren

Can you take down those posters? I donít like them and Iím not gay.

Teacher

Iíd love to, Darren. But in this country we have freedom of political expression. By all means start an opposing campaign of your own, but if you want to suppress the pupil formerly known as Shit 25 with your censorship, then youíre worse than Hitler.

Darren

But Iím not gay.

Teacher

Nobodyís saying you are.

Darren

Can I put up posters saying Iím not gay then?

Teacher

Certainly not. That might appear homophobic.

Darren

[momentarily speechless - glances at the posters] And I canít take these posters down.

Teacher

No, you canít. And if you try, Iíll hit you so hard youíll die, gay boy.

a journalist walks past the window - he looks in

Hack

I can see the headlines! Gay Schoolchild in School... Shocker. Gay!

whirling newspapers, like this

Gay Schoolboy Is Gay

When Will It End?

Dead Woman ďNot DeadĒ Claim

Gay Child Attends School

Burn Them All

Zombie Fears for Middle Aged Corpse

 

INT. judgeís Lounge.

generally, in the lounge, the atmosphere is getting a little distant and confused. they try to get their messages across, but just arenít managing it that well

Keith

My name became an insult in itself. Other Darrens were beaten up because of me. So I changed my name to Keith, and devoted my life to Bod. I mean God. [the correction was not apologetic - it was evangelically emphatic] Susan! Who

Susan

[handing a plate to Keith] Hereís the meal weíll be having. I want it to be just right for our guests. Were you saying something? I really wasnít listening to you.

Keith

Never mind. [he hold up the half-empty acid bottle] Put this into the cream. We want everything to be just so.

Susan

Just so what?

Keith

[frowning, concentrating] Just just so. Just right.

Susan

Right. [she waves her hand in front of her face slowly - trailers]

INT. The Judgecave.

Killian and Hilary are bounding around in the background - doing flying kicks badly and the like. Mary remains in the foreground, looking distastefully at them

Mary

Oh, please. This is abominable. It looks like itís down to me to save Ludlow City. Iíll just use this gaily coloured telephone, which no doubt leads to a high ranking city official.

she picks up the receiver - a husky woman speaks very sexily

Woman

Helllooo.

Mary

Hello?

Man

Calls charged at 49 pence a minute. Letís join the action.

Mary

Can you put me through to... say.... a commissioner?

Woman

Thereís a party in my brazier!

Mary hangs up

Mary

Right! Iím phoning the ombudsman!

She picks up the phone again

Woman

And everyoneís invited!

hangs up again

Mary

Boh. Perhaps if I just press all the buttons on this machine. This machine which I donít really understand.

she presses a button - it whirrs, pops, and rocks, flashes - a card pops out

Mary

[reading] You have been found not guilty.

Killian

[appearing suddenly next to her] Thatís an Autojudge. We built it in anticipation of a nightmarish science fiction future, gone mad.

Hilary

[as suddenly on the other side] Judgements are arbitrary and punishments severe. And we all have barcodes on our willies.

Mary

Even the....?

Killian

Yes, even the women.

Hilary

And only a sassy cop with two weeks to retirement can save their past....

Killian

Which is our present.

pause

Hilary

Youíre not really making an effort to get into this, are you? Put this on.

he places a clip-on tail onto her dress

Mary

Oh, pleaase. Mind, it is quite .... slinky. [she purrs like any of the four Catwomen]

 

INT. judgeís Lounge.

Keith

And once the town of Ludlow is under our control, we will move onto Stevenage. Susan, let the first guests in!

the lift dings, and two women and two men enter

Keith

Welcome! If youíll just take a seat, Iíll be with you in a moment.

One

Youíre with us now.

Keith

[looking at his watch] And Iím still with you now, a moment later. It was more of a promise than a rendez-vous.

Two

Can I use the bathroom? I presume Christians do wee-wee.

Susan

Yes, we do wee.

Keith

Do we?

Susan

Yes. [to the guest] Itís through that door.

Two

What, this one?

Two opens a hitherto unused door. Behind it is a howling abyss, pitch black. A bird flies out of it, and Two manages to slam the door shut before she is sucked in]

Two

What an enormous toilet! You must be very proud.

Keith

[slowly] Thatís not the toilet. That appears to be a chasm. [zoom in] Or Abyss.

Susan

I didnít know that was there.

Keith

No, neither did I.

Susan

Itís strange that we should have an Abyss in our house.

Keith

Hmm.

 

EXT. outside the Opera House.

Killian

Well, thereís only one way in or out of our flat. The elevator.

Hilary

And weíve been jinxed by our own security measures. The irony.

Killian

Youíre right. We were one step ahead of ourselves, and we stepped on our own shoes.

Hilary

Well, there is one other way.

Killian

Yes, youíre right. The Abyss.

Mary

Hang on, Iíve never heard about the Abyss. How could I not know about the Abyss?

Killian

We donít like to talk about it.

Mary

But I think that as a matter of safety, if thereís a howling great Abyss in the house I should know about it.

Hilary

There was an oblique reference to it three weeks ago....

back to Episode 1, Scene 5 - talking to the invading woman

Killian

There is only one way in or out of the flat. The elevator.

Hilary

Well, there is one other way...

Killian

[casting a stern glance] But we donít talk about that, do we?

Hilary

[chaste] No, Killian. We donít talk about the Abyss.

 

Mary

Who was that woman you were talking to?

Killian

Wasnít that you?

Hilary

I thought that was you.

Mary

No, she had blonde hair. [after a thought] It was a vivid description, wasnít it?

Killian

Anyway, the Abyss has been there from the beginning, so it obviously wasnít shoehorned in for convenience. That much is clear.

Mary

I was just saying...

Killian

Anyone would think you were jealous, Mary! Do you fancy me? Crikey, do you? Do you fancy me?

Mary

Not really. But then, I havenít seen you naked....

fade AS KILLIAN HAS HIS SHIRT OF ľ SECOND AFTER SHE FINISHED THE SENTENCE

 

CAPTION : END OF PART ONE

A. Monster Rhapsody

Narrator

Iíve got a little something for you. Itís smaller than a breadbin. Itís embossed with a tiny letter ďOĒ, which might be a simple circle, and not a letter at all. Nobody knows. Its stitching is still quite firm, despite years of loving abuse. It can travel at a fair pace, with the aid of a skateboard and a steep hill. Women use it to keep their tampons in. Men use it as an object of feminine ridicule, taunting each other to hide their own secret desires. Yes, itís a handbag. Come in. If you think youíre tough enough. you cowardly worm! Come on, you limp dolly bird! You jelly-tot scoffing seamstress! You stinking great fat toppler of public transport! GOD you make me GAG on my own clacker!

Dance Diva howls with bonus rave piano

Diva

Canít get enough of your loving, no I canít get enough of your loving...

NARRATOR

[Sweetly] Handbags arenít for girls when thereís monsters in.

 

INT. RESTAURANT.

A restaurant. Hilary sits at the table with a woman who has a plastic bag over head, and is suffocating. On it is lipstick and a wig. A dog is engaged in a conversation with a baby. Hilary has ordered a meal.

Baby

They love me more, you know. They think youíre stupid.

Dog

Iím stupid! Iím not the one the nibbles car keys.

BABY

Well you eat horse shit.

DOG

Oh, now thatís not fair.

Baby

When I learn how to talk Iím going to tell them you bit me. Then theyíll kill you.

to the table

Hilary

Waiter! Iíve been here for half an hour. Whereís my plate of gravy?

Waiter

Oh, sir, I do so apologise. Here, you must lick my hand.

Hilary

Why would I lick your hand?

Waiter

On humans, it has exactly the same effect as gravy.

Mary wakes up between Hilary and Killian

Mary

Human gravy?

Hilary wakes up with Killian

Hilary

Oh God, I touched her boob with my elbow...

Killian wakes up alone

Killian

Now I donít like this at all.

 

EXT. OUTSIDE A cafť. Broughton On The Frith.

Jools is playing cards with the Gator from last week and two of the resident mannequins. Jools was left behind

Gator

I love Bridge. This is my favourite game.

Jools

Not snap, then.

Gator

Thatís a childís game.

Jools

Yes. Iíd better be going back really. Iíve got to pay the rent.

Gator

Oh, do stay. Your rent can wait. Have another port.

Jools

Perhaps I could squeeze one in...

Gator

[raising an eyebrow] So Iíve heard.

Jools

If youíre being saucy, I might kiss you.

Gator

Youíll spoil me, Jools. You really will.

 

CAPTION : ACT II : DEATH WEARS HOT PANTS

INT. judgeís Lounge.

Keith hits a glass with a knife. The knife shatters after three taps.

Keith

Welcome, and... well... come. Now, [distracted by the wall] are... any... you?

Susan

Are you any vegetarians?

A woman holds up her hand

Keith

You can lick the sauce off the chicken then.

Woman

No, Iíll be alright. But youíre very kind.

Keith

Susan will sort you out.

Susan

How?

Keith

I donít know, kill her.

Woman

Pardon?

Keith

Did I say that too loud?

Woman

Well, I heard you.

Keith

Then I said it too loud. My apologies.

Woman

Hmm.

Susan walks in, having never left, stands next to herself

Susan 2

I donít like these curtains.

Susan

Me either.

 

EXT. Playground.

Darren is sitting on the same wall, reading the same book. Where Killian speaks, that is he narrating the scene. Shit 25ís vocabulary problems are not mulled over painfully, but said quickly and with vague gestures.]

Killian

Of course, we all have our nemesii. Dr Octopus had the meddling Spiderman, Dr Crippen had the British ďPoliceĒ, most hardworking doctors have to tolerate some vigilante task force or other. I was not a doctor, but I had Darren Jeffs.

Shit 25

[to his goons] Look at him! Heís looking at books on his own. Heís so ... wordsome. Iím going to make him say that heís got a vagina. Then words will become his enemy.

Goon 2

[thinkover] Deliciously ironic.

Goon 1

[thinkover] This isnít going to get violent, is it? I do so abhor violence.

Shit 25

If we have to kick his head-dashboard...

Goon 2

... face ...

Jenny

.. thank you... kick his face in, then we will. Iíll bet he never, [tapering] you know.

Goon 1

Well met, my liege. Very well, regard my body as your pliant exoskeleton.

Goon 2

Really, Iíve never seen such vulgar abdication of autonomy.

Goon 1

Oh, give over.

Jenny

Come, my trusty goons.

they approach

Jenny

Have you got a penis or a vagina?

Darren

[much more snootily than in his own version] You strawberry fool. I, have a penis. [filthy gesture] And right bulbous it is too.

Killian

I couldnít stand it. My older cousin had only told me what penises and vaginas were the week before - he could he know, and apply words like ďbulbousĒ to them? I was driven wild with frustration, and I lowered myself to the lowest common denominator. The Norfolk Punch.

Shit 25

Boo-Boo, deliver the Norfolk Punch.

Goon 2

Shit 25, the Norfolk Punch is still at the experimental stage. We havenít finished testing it on Alsatians. God knows how itíll affect humans. And my name is not Boo-Boo. Itís Brian.

Shit 25

Am I going to have to do it myself?

Goon 2

I donít like it.

Shit 25

Do it! DOIT! DWIT!

[Goon 2 double punches Darren on either side, under the rib cage. Fade to white]

[in the real world, Keith rubs his sides in the kitchen]

 

EXT. The Abyss.

†††††††††††††††† [Outside the opera house, Killian is groping around for the secret switch in the wall, and, Hilary and Mary are staring at an old man walking past very slowly]

Killian

[flicking a secret release switch] And weíre... in!

Hilary

Canít we stay and watch the old man walk?

Mary

It is strangely compelling, isnít it? Can I kick him?

Killian

This is no time to watch old men walk. Letís get the plan sorted. We storm in, say something cool, and beat them up.

Hilary

Weíve got to sort out something cool though. Something legal. [he gets distracted by the old man again - he is trying not to look, but canít help himself]

Killian

Thou shalt quiver before my mighty gavel!

Mary

[carried away, too loud] Resistance is feeee-utile!

Hilary

Resistance is .... ? Thatís more of an evil catchphrase, isnít it? Kind of Nazi, or Borg.

Mary

Is it? What about this then? Resistance is futileÖ. But I like it!

Killian

Thatís better. Camp people can never be evil, despite what the Americans say.

Killian has been opening gates and now entrance is granted to the Abyss

Killian

Come in, quickly. Thereís a cursewind due in about a minute.

Mary

Cursewind?

Hilary

The cursewinds give us free passage.

Mary

Ah, but at what cost?

Hilary

[pause] No cost. Thatís what free means.

Mary

Oh. Then why are they called the cursewinds?

Killian

Well, I suppose objectively they arenít called the cursewinds. We call them cursewinds, because they smell like hot wet dogs.

an updraught starts

Killian

Hold your capes above your heads!

Killian and Hilary do - Mary has a Poppins umbrella - they take off

Mary

Christ on a jamrag, that smells....

Hilary

Like hot wet dogs. Told you.

 

INT. Judgeís Lounge.

Susan and Keith sit quietly. They are staring around. Darting eyeballs. They are quite off it by now, their dinner guests sit around chatting amiably

Keith

Theyíre close by. I can feel it in my trousers. [very close up of him stroking his trousers, then his lips] Mmm. Trousers.

Susan

I can smell Magpies. Have you got Magpies? Theyíre in your turn-ups, tiny magpies.

Keith

Count them! Quickly! Count them!

Susan

But theyíre so small.... so tiny.... and so naked...

Keith

How many are there, quickly!

Susan

[lying on her stomach at Keithís feet] One, for sorrow.

Both

Hello, Lord Magpie, how is your wife?

Keith

No! Wait! Thereís two, for joy!

Both

Smashing!

the judges explode from the Abyss, they land in formation

Mary

[pointing severely] Three for a girl,

Hilary

Four for a boy,

Killian

[landing at the head of the formation] And five for... another boy.

Keith

[cheerfully finding the plot] Oh, thatís right! We conquered you last week! And now, all your subjects belong to us! [he gestures to them]

Hilary

What subjects? [the room is empty]

Keith

These subjects! [the guests are back] Are you blind, or just not seeing things, unhallucinating, as it were? [he touches a guest - she pops] Wait a minute, this isnít a real woman! [holding up a palmful of green goo] And these are definitely not Magpies. Susan, did you...?

Susan

Probably. [zoom into her pupils, and some neat computer effects to Scooby Doo beach music - this lasts three seconds]I want something fizzy, my tongueís dead.

The judges look at each other. Killian shrugs

Keith

Right then. Weíll get you a drink.

Susan

It neednít be a drink. Space Dust or Fizzy Chewits would do.

Keith

Letís go to the shop.

pause

Susan

I still need something fizzy.

Keith

Letís go to the shop.

they trot over to the Abyss

Hilary

Stop them! Theyíre ambling away!

Killian

No, let them meander.

Hilary

But they stole our flat! [suspiciously] Youíre not forgiving them are you?

Killian

[putting his arm around Hilary] To show mercy to your enemy is to draw them one step closer to your heart. We should lavish generosity on those we hate. Was it not a wise man, who once said ďI beat my wife because I love herĒ?

Hilary

Oh. Really?

Killian

Well, no. Actually, theyíve just walked into the Abyss. the fall will kill them for sure.

Both

Hurrah!

Mary

Did we win then?

Killian

Yes, Mary, we did indeed win, yes, we did.

fade

 

INT. HOSPITAL WARD.

Scene by a bed. A child coughs and generally looks ill. His parents sit by him. A presenter walks in, and wipes a tear from her eye

Presenter

Timmy will die. We know that. [secretively] The parents, however, do not. [lively] Starting with this very revelation, we will start a six part serialisation of the grieving process. [sensational] But weíll add erotic dancers! Weíll take you through anger!

Argument in the kitchen

Father

If youíd just kept an eye on him! Heíd still be here!

Two topless male dancers appear from thin air and start vogueing

Presenter

Denial!

the mother brings some toast into an empty bedroom

Mother

Breakfast, Timmy.... oh.

A line of can-can dancers troupe past the corridor behind

The current screen becomes the TV in the judgeís lounge. Smoke appears behind them, and a man appears. He is the Mystery Butcher, and today he is their landlord

Landlord

Rock a doodle doo, and good afternoon.

All

The Mystery Butcher!

Mary

Who are you today, Mystery Butcher?

Hilary

Yes, and how are you going to try and capture our souls?

Landlord

I will tell you, my smellies. I am your landlord.

Killian

Well, thatís alright. Being so very rich, we never have to argue with landlords.

Landlord

We will see. Can I have your rent .... now!

hilary and Killian produce a large wad immediately. Mary flounders

Landlord

[taking the two wads and instantly upon Mary] I said now. I said now then, and I expected you to comply then, which was now when I said now. I will not say now again, let alone tolerate further pressing of my paper thin patience.

Mary

I donít know, but.... whatís going on? I donít think this is very fair.

Landlord approaches, Killian and Hilary look excitedly at each other

Landlord

You have floundered too long, and carped too hard.

Mary

Iím developing a tench nervous haddock. Here. Iíve only got four hundred pounds at the minute. [she produces a wad]

Landlord

Curses! Now, where is Lord Porter?

pause

Landlord

NOW, where is Lord Porter?

Hilary

Do you know, I havenít got a clue?

Killian

Hmmm...

Mary

Where did we last see him? Retrace your footsteps. Itíll be in the last place we look, you can be sure of that. Tch! [pause] What have we lost again?

Landlord

I would direct you to your contract. Unless I receive payment from Lord Porter within one week, you will all be legally my property, forced to produce children for work in my underground lava mine.

Mary

Hey, itís all go.

Killian

We must therefore find Jools.

Hilary

Letís go!

Landlord

And I will keep the... lovely... Mary Highpole here as assurance of your return.

Killian

Yes, yes. You can keep her.

Killian and Hilary jump to their feet, hold their noses, blow, and disappear

Narrator

Frig! With the judges spread so thinly, is there any hope for justice in Ludlow? What we need is a hero. Iím going out with a girl called Joanne. Much as I love her, although I never tell her that in case she loses respect for me, she is not a hero. Iím thinking more of a ... well, a man, with enormous rippling eyes and dewy blue arms. [show a childís drawing of such a man] Now thatís a hero. Tune in next week, to a Lord Jools Porter SPECIAL!

 

EXT. Outside Broughton. Goodbye.

they hug

Aligator

Are you sure you have to leave now?

Jools

Well, yes.

Aligator

Youíre right, of course. You are of the outside. You know, if I were human, and female, I think Iíd love you. But, I am not. And still, a goodbye kiss I would value above all else.

Jools

Well, just a peck.

they peck, then start passionately snogging, rubbing their hands over each others backs. Suddenly, Jools pulls away

Aligator

You kiss like a bitch.

Jools chucks his cheek and walks away

 

INT. SPAR.

credits run

Boxhead is trying to help the Christians get what they want]

Susan

You do all the talking.

Keith

[to Boxhead] Excuse me, can you help us please? Weíre looking for something fizzy. Itís for my wife.

Boxhead

[rustles around inside his head, pulls out a Peperami, and offers it to them]

Keith

Susan? Is this what you want? Susan? Are Peperamis fizzy?

Susan

Over here! Iíve found something.

Keith

Iíll be back in a jiffy. You wait here and Iíll report back.

Boxheadís face looks confused

Susan

[lying down, looking under the display] Thereís more stuff here. I want to see it.

Keith

Excuse me. My wife wishes to look under the display.

Boxheadís head is back to happy again, perhaps apprehensively so. He tentatively offers them both a Peperami

Keith

Do you want one of these?

Susan

[ferreting with one arm under the display] I... Iíve got something!

Keith

What is it?

Susan

It feels like a Boost - no, Iím wrong. It feels nothing like a Boost.

Keith

Sir, is that a Boost? My wife would like to know if that is a Boost.

Susan

I know - put a Boost in this hand, and I will compare them. [they do so] No, that is definitely not a Boost.

Boxhead eats a Peperami

Keith

Do you want one of these?

Susan

Whatever it is, it appears to be stuck between ... two ... Bountys.

Keith

[to Boxhead] You appear to communicate entirely through the medium of Peperami.

the camera has moved to the counter. Peter Kane, the shop assistant, lies on the floor. His mouth is stuffed full of Peperami, and he is quite dead.

Caption

It should be stressed that if the jar was full of pure LSD, Keith and Susan would have consumed many thousands of times the dosage required for a simple ďtripĒ. Kids - do not drink acid that you have prepared yourself. Buy it from an adult.

 

For about five seconds, the old man is still walking past the Opera House Show him to some outrageously upbeat music