Once in every lifetime, comes a love like this...

Stoved In Baby Stories

The Stoved In Baby had its face caved in by a settee. For weeks, the settee rested on his young, unbutchered peepers, slowly stoving him in. When the baby was discovered (amidst much scrawking and blaming), no amount of tugging at his nose would bring his face back out.

With an admirable "never say die" attitude, the baby paraded his fucked-up mush around the place, having adventures and finding treasure. And nobody ever said "put that baby out of its misery - for God's sake, drown it. It can't be happy."

His brain was crushed under that fateful settee; the stoved in baby is no wiser than a giddy goat. However, he is flexible! Well, he isn't, but thanks to being largely dead anyway, attempts to twist his arms out of their holes are met with a pleasing indifference.

Here, you can see him farting onto a book. Doesn't he look like Les Dawson?

His only friend is a porcelain cow who looks like Stephen Fry. The cow can only say "moo" or "barp", like a cow, or Stephen Fry.

However, the cow is immensely wise, and will often tell the baby (who, you must remember, is really stupid thanks to being head-broken and dead) that the road to true happiness is paved with bricks of agony and murder.

The baby doesn't listen - the Cow doesn't care.

Oh, baby, you're such a drama queen! You'd think that the world was coming to an end!

In fact, the only thing that's wrong is that he's been given mushed up apples for dinner, and they remind him of his brains, which keep coming out.

For God's sake, baby, grow up! Oh, you can't, can you? You're dead.

Baby cannot do jigsaws. Although, if someone else is doing a jigsaw, baby hides a piece in his swaddling robes, so that only he can finish it. Stephen Fry Cow does a similar thing - sometimes it's a real battle of wills, each unwilling to put their piece in first.

The staring contests can last for some time - this is, as you may have guessed, because neither of them has a will of their own. I have to move them, and do their voices, and sometimes I forget about them for weeks.

Before we go, here's something for you nostalgia freaks - an authentic 1950's Stoved In Baby Stories poster!

Soon... an actual Stoved-In Baby Story... from the 1960s!