April 2002 : Episode One Rewritten As Radio Script

I've decided that there would be no real loss if I put the SitCom up here in its entirety, as the chances of someone reading it, thinking it's good enough to produce, and bother making it without telling me are quite low indeed. And if you did, it would give me something to bitch about until I died, which is what everyone wants, really. That's not to say you can. So don't. Please.

And the full plotlines? Well, I wanted something a bit different, beyond the lameness of the "Situation". I wanted the possibility of sci-fi, without the greasy programming / engineering appeal of Red Dwarf, and I wanted things to change with each episode, rather than dipping the characters into a pleasing situational seasoning. Sounds wanky.

The episodes aren't in a proper script format; I didn't know what that was all about when I started writing it. I can't remember going through all the files and making them all so unfunny, but apparently I did...

Character Profiles and Situation

See if this helps - I've been told that the scripts are a little baffling. That was kind of the point, but here's some preparatory information anyway.

1 : Alvin vs Highpole's Cat
tv html
radio html

The security of the flat is called into question when the Christian Union break in. Hilary is nearly injected with Faith. The Christian threat is averted, but it soon becomes apparent that someone else is in the flat.... Meanwhile, Mary, a keen amateur taxidermist (every taxidermist has to go through a stage when they're just... not very good at it - I  mean, nobody's born with the innate ability to stuff dead dogs, are they?) is thrown out of her house. As a storm approaches, one of Mary's half-finished aberrations is struck by lightning and comes back from the grave to seek its final appendage..... starring Alvin and the Chipmunks.

2 : The Businessman Within

On his train journey home, Hilary is surrounded by businessmen. Although his brain induces sleep to protect him, a mysterious guardian angel takes Hilary on a head journey through space. Is the angel working for the businessmen, or for Hilary? Is it a God creature, or just a dream? The truth turns out to be a whole lot less entertaining....  Meanwhile, Mary has to compete in a real-life game show in order to become a judge. Because the programme is about four judges who live together. Not three judges and a loss adjuster, which sounds like a lovely film, but it is not this Sitcom.

3 : A Postcard From Broughton On The Frith

After watching an hour of American television, Hilary is made to understand exactly how important families are - but when he tries to trace his own, he discovers that every year, on August 15th, one of his line dies, and that he is the last Winters alive. Oh yes, and it's August 14th....  Meanwhile, Killian gets a clearly fake promotion to a ghost town inhabited only by a forgotten monster from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Are the two storylines linked? I should fucking think so....

4 : Cross Purposes

The Christian Union, who as it turned out were behind last weeks nonsense, have taken over Ludlow in the week the judges were away. The final stage in their plan? To drug the whole town and induce a drugs-dullened following unseen since the days of Charles Manson. The judges, forced underground and living in a series of caves and sewers, like sort of a cross between Ninja Turtles and Batman, must reclaim their home before it is too late! Actually, there's no urgency at all, as the Christians accidentally dose themselves so far up with acid that they're a bit too preoccupied with finding marvel in the mundane. And yes, that is Marvel, the powdered milk. ("Who put Marvel in the mundane? You know it makes it taste funny....")

5 : Quantum Peep

The Mystery Butcher, having bought the freehold of the judge's rented apartment, discovers some interesting clauses in the contract, namely that late payment allows him to take them all prisoner and make them work in his lava mines. Realising that Jools hasn't been in the series since Episode Three, can the judges find him before it is too late? Well, probably. But while they try, Jools tries to make some sense out of a cruel world by undergoing regression hypnosis in the strange new shop that wasn't there last week....
6 : The End of Series Retrospective
And so - we reach the end of a series, and it's time to look over all the hilarious made-up mistakes, to meet the author, to see the scenes that had to be dropped for the sake of time, and to search for that one thing that hasn't cropped up yet - a catchphrase. Sadly, when the actor who plays Mary starts on the author for giving her such a shit character (her dream character is a bawdy fat comedienne who makes jokes about tampons), it looks like she might get written out in a bust-up unseen since Hannibal wrote Amy out of the A-Team!

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