Hello. I am Tweak.

Recently I have opened the diary of my life wide open for the public to gaze inside, using a torch and forceps.

11th May 1976

I am activated. Unfortunately, on the way to my new life I fell off the back of the truck, and I am laying in a ditch. I do not have the will power to leave the ditch. I pray someone will find me.

7th December 2150

Nothing to report.

12th February 2403

I have been found! A passing cab driver called N. Pepper saw my gleaming golden arm sticking out of the leaves in the ditch. I said goodbye to the woodlouse family that I have nurtured in my eyes for the best part of 426 years, and set off, ready to begin my life at last.

13th February 2403

I am still in N. Pepper's cab. I am not sure why he still has me here, although he keeps looking at me and blinking really fast. I do not mind, as I have been looking out of the window. The landscape sure has changed a lot. Before I fell off the truck, I remember seeing lots of trees, but now there are only two trees. N. Pepper says that giant cows ate all the other trees, but I think he is a liar. I have no reason not to believe him, I just don't.

14th February 2403

Phew! N. Pepper finally drove off today. He took me to a city called Upsville. It is big and round. N. Pepper said it was built to resemble a giant, gleaming sprout. I believed him when he said this. He took me to a lost and found booth, and then he went. I watched him walk into the distance until he was just a speck. Then a nice lady who was inside the booth asked me who I was. She was wearing lots of red lipstick. After a while a bearded man came and picked me up. He said his name was Professor Dobbin, and that I was late. I said that he could not be the Professor Dobbin that I was originally sent to, as he would have to be about 500 years old. He coughed, and said that he is Professor Dobbins's son. I went with him to apartment 405-967546P, very high in the walls of Upsville. Professor Dobbin said he had to sell Chinese boys so that he could afford an apartment on the outside wall, with a window. I am not sure if I like him yet. He showed me to my kennel, which was only a few feet wide, and poorly lit, but I was overcome when I saw it. I cannot cry, but I allowed a few drops of oil to leak from my black, empty eye sockets. Then I lay down.

15th February 2403

Today Professor Dobbin allowed me to use his time confribulator to look at the past that I missed, because I was in the ditch. I learnt lots: in your Earth-time, you watch infocasts from now, that are fired into the sun this end, and bounce back out in your time. However, you mistakenly believe them to be a "television" "program". I don't know what's crazier: living in a giant metal sprout, or watching "television programs" !!!

3 PM

I have seen all that the confribulator can show me, and now I am upset. The star of all the infocasts was some kind of man, which did not bother me, but his assistant was my brother Twiki. (I say brother, but what I mean is he was hung on the same set of hooks as me when we were drying.) Twiki is an idiot, he used to really annoy me by going 'bidibidibidibi' all the time. I am sure he did it on purpose. Also, you all seemed to think that he was a 'robot'. People often seemed to think that the GOLD 9000 series is a 'robot', when in fact we are dwarves that have been encased in molten gold. Though we have a mouth-hole on our suits, we do not have a hole for defecating out of, so we cannot eat. The irony of this situation still makes me laugh to this day!! To survive, we rely solely on the power of our will to live, which means we can stay alive for centuries. Although I am a dwarf, I am not a sex dwarf. I'm not. I....how dare you insinuate that I am a sex dwarf, diary! How dare you! I'm not! I AM NOT A SEX DWARF!

16th February 2403

Yesterday, I became so angry that I passed out, but I was woken today by Professor Dobbin, who was angrily dropping baby carrots into my eye-holes. He then took me into his lounge and gave me cocoa. He showed me how, because he is a big fat dude, he can roll around real well on the carpet. I became really excited when he did this, and he had to calm me down with a jet of warm water from his family hose. Then he asked me how I survived in the ditch all those years. I tried to make it sound real exciting, but he kept laughing. Eventually I stopped and asked him why. He found it way funny that, though I stayed alive for over 400 years using only the power of my mind, I did not have enough will-power to climb out of the ditch. I almost went into a sulk, but he told me he liked dwarves, which made me stop, teetering just slightly above sulk-level. Then I went back to my kennel and laid blankly for a few hours.

17th February 2403

I was left in my kennel all day today, so I tried to draw a picture of Professor Dobbin.

 I wish I could draw real good.

18th February 2403

Professor Dobbin made me wash all his meat today, but every time I was done washing a piece he just told me to stick it in the trashcan. I didn't understand this, and wanted to cry. Then he kept laughing at the shape of my head. He wouldn't tell me why. I think it may be something to do with goats, because that's all he does all day; he sits watching programs about goats on holo, and laughs at them. ALL day. I wish I was back in my ditch.